Do you have someone in your life, your past, that the mere mention of them makes you insecure and uncomfortable? I do. It's someone I have known for years and years. We were friends at one point, and then something high school-like happened and we weren't. After college, a weird set of circumstances had us indirectly involved in each others lives. I can look back now and see how immature we all were and how very un-Christ-like the whole situation was.
I am thankful for that whole experience. I learned so much about myself and it was the tipping point for me to see I needed to make some serious changes to my behavior. It started my seeking of Christ. What was hurtful about the whole situation is I lost a friend and was being judged as a person I truly am not. It makes my heart race to know someone out there thinks I am a different person than I actually am.
Fast forward thirteen years...I will be face to face with this person this weekend at our high school reunion. I was feeling great about this whole reunion business. I can walk in with my head held high. After twenty years, I have a beautiful, God-filled life. However, for a few of those twenty years, that was not the case. Unfortunately, this person only knows me for those years. So, I find myself so insecure walking in now. It's not an insecurity of how I look or what I have. It's an insecurity that comes from feeling like I am thought to be someone I really am not. I feel like my character took a major hit all those years ago and it still lingers.
I am sure I am putting far more thought into this than the other person. A dear friend of mine, who was part of the whole situation, just reminded me that she is probably feeling equally as insecure and awkward as I am. I wonder if she is right?
Should make for an interesting Reunion, huh!?
2 comments:
It is hard not to be mired in the past, but just take a look at how amazing and blessed your present and future is. Regardless of how this person may feel or think about you, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change who you are now, your relationship with God (who knows who you truly are and always have been in your heart) and your relationship with your family and friends. We all make mistakes - true grace is found when we can forgive ourselves and other for those mistakes. Find your center and know your truth, and the insecurities can be left in the past as well.
Chris, who amongst us does not have periods in our lives that we are not proud of? I have lots of times in my life that I did things that I would not even consider today. Looking back and pondering on my behavior will not change the facts and those experiences are what made me who I am today. I learned as much from all good role models as I did from all the stupid behaviors. The one thing you have to remember, it is the past, there is nothing that can be done to change it, we must just learn to accept it for what is is and accept ourselves for who we are now move on. The person you have grown into is MUCH more important than who you were, that was a time when you were learning who you wanted to be, and now you have made it. If you were still that person you were those years ago, then you might have reason to be insecure, but you are not and you don’t. Go in with your head held high and act as if those days were so insignificant that you do not even remember them, kill her with kindness and demonstrate who you have become and enjoy the reunion :)
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