Vanity. Just the word makes me cringe a little. I would love to say that I am in no way a vain person, but I have realized I am fooling myself in thinking so. For those who know me personally, I think vanity is one of the last words they would use to describe me. I am rarely concerned with putting on make-up and could easily have lip balm and mascara as my only cosmetics. I dress more for form than function, though I do try to look "cute". The only time I really dress to impress is for date's with my husband. I dress for him and doll myself up in a special way just for him.
But, lately, I find myself quite focused on my body. I suddenly find myself thinking I should have my 18 year old body...the body that was still in the middle of puberty, had not yet bore a child, whose metabolism was ridiculously good, the body that had few responsibilities and ample time to exercise. The body that was somehow always tan, toned and perky where it needed to be.
Twenty years later this body has survived quite a bit, it had back surgery, carried and birthed two children, breastfed those two children, carried around those same kids, and is still recovering from a hysterectomy only a few months ago. It survives regular exercise. This body is in pretty good shape. Yet, I suddenly feel inadequate in it. Why???
In reality, my metabolism is actually pretty good. I am now back in the gym post-surgery and perform much of what I used to. I only weigh a few pounds more than my 18 year old body, and wear the same size. Yet, I seem to focus on the fluffy and droopy parts that were not fluffy or droopy twenty years ago. Why???
I find myself in the gym thinking I should look as tone and tight as the woman who is in there every (and I mean every!) time I get there and still at it when I leave. I sit around the pool and wonder how that woman has such flat abs, or that one has such perky boobs (and honestly, I know why some of them are so perky...it's called a good surgeon). I suddenly find myself reaching for my cover-up, or dipping deeper into the water because if I am over here checking out their tone bodies, they are surely looking at me thinking they should slip me their trainer or surgeon's phone number. Why???
I am ashamed to tell you why. I have let myself buy into what the world thinks is healthy and pretty for a woman's body. I have bought into the world's idea that we should all have a tone and tight celebrity body after having children. Years ago Sarah Jessica Parker was interviewed after having her twins. She looked very thin and toned. She was asked about how she got into shape so quickly. I loved her answer that she was in shape because her job demanded her to be in shape, so after having her babies she hired a nanny and a trainer.
My job is not to be in shape, or even look good in a bathing suit. My job is take care of this body so it is best able to take care of our family. My job is to honor the body the Lord gave me.
My job is to look to the Lord for the definition of beauty. Upon a quick review I cannot seem to find "tone, "tight", "flat abs" or "perky boobs" anywhere in the Bible. I take that to mean the Lord just does not find any of that important to the beauty of the women He creates. Instead, I find the words: "inner self"; "gentle and quiet spirit"; "submissive"; "clothed with strength and dignity". The Lord even says that "beauty is fleeting". To the Lord, beauty is all about our heart. And, if you asked my husband, he would rather my heart be beautiful in God's way, than for me to feel inadequate because my outside is a little saggy.
So today, I pray that I will stop trying to compare my outward beauty to what the world says it should be. I pray I will take what the Lord finds beautiful and let that be what I work out.
With this, if you see me at the pool or at our reunion in a couple of weeks, just ignore these poor droopy boobs and little belly. Know that those both came as a result of the two children splashing next to me (and the fact, that as much as I love to cook, I love to eat what I make). I would not trade those two for my 18 year old body on any day.
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