My sister would have been 46 today.

Many of you are reading that title and scratching your head, "Sister? Chris has an older sister?". I do, did, I am not really sure how to refer to her now. She died last June. I am not sure how to process her death. Lee was never fully part of my life, but the reason behind her absence guides me in so, so many ways.

Lee in very simple terms was an addict. The majority of my memories of her point to that. She bribed me with milkshakes when I was eight to not tell on her for smoking. I remember her being in some serious trouble for sneaking out to get high when I was 10. I remember her being a remarkable saxophonist. I remember her being a fierce competitor. I remember at 5 feet tall her making the winning basket in the duPont gym. I remember my heart sinking when we heard sirens near our house and the phone rang. We all just knew it was Lee in that accident. The Lord intervened and what should have killed her did not. I remember it being her prom night and she managed to talk the doctors and my parents into letting her go. A huge void would have been left had she died that day. 

But, today, the void is not there because she really left so many years ago. But, before the addiction took her, she had moments of grace. I remember her driving all the way up to Athens to visit with me because she knew I was literally drowning in my emotions after my parent's divorce. Maybe she knew I needed to be rescued because she did not want the same devil who trailed her to get his claws in me. I remember I was thankful she was there, but also embarrassed. I look at how I treated her and it was not nice. She did not fit in with my cute sorority sisters. Ever stuck in 80's fashion I did not want to take her out. It makes my heart hurt to think of that now. 

I know now, what Lee needed that weekend was to be accepted by her "perfect" sister. She needed to see that I too was vulnerable and needed help. Instead, I showed her that I was not in need of her help.  

We tried to have a relationship after I graduated. Lee married, had two beautiful children and lived what looked like a lovely life. And, it was, except the devil trailed Lee at every turn. I truly believe that he got his final hold on her in the weakness of post-partum depression. None of us saw it as that at the time. We saw a spoiled alcoholic who just would not grow up. As a mom and wife now, I see a woman who desperately needed Jesus. I see a woman who desperately needed a true friend and sister. I see a woman who fell for the lies the devil tells us. She was not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...how many enoughs do we allow ourselves to believe? 

Lee is why I won't allow the devil to get that hold. She is why I do not strive to live a life full of wealth, big houses, fancy cars, designer clothes. Lee had all of that! It masked what she did not have. Instead, I live a life full of what the devil does not offer.  

I want to live a life so that I am so aware of those around me that I cannot look past them. I think of how many times I just looked past Lee instead of sitting and talking with her and knowing her. I never let her see my vulnerabilities. Instead, I just attended her fun parties and fit in with her where she was. I never invited her to fit in with me where I was. 

I am transparent to others because of Lee. She could never accept help from me because in her eyes I was "the perfect one". I want others to know just how false that is. Jesus found me in the depths. I was at a point where I was going to either cling to Him, or allow the devil to trail me too. I struggle with wondering if Lee ever had that opportunity? Did she choose her path, or did the devil just take her over? 

Our children do not know she has died. In fact, they did not even know she existed until about a year ago when Lee re-appeared because her health had taken such a poor turn. I do not have the heart to tell Cate that Lee has died because I do not want to admit that sometimes the devil wins.