I want more!

I want more! Not more stuff. Not more things to clutter the house, to make me feel pretty, to entertain the kids. I want more of what I can in no way buy. I want more of what only being in the Lord's wheelhouse can get me. I find myself just not sure how to get it.

I am a content person. The Lord has sharpened me to be content in plenty and in need. Prior to this move, we fell into the need category.. The Lord has surely blessed our family since moving us here. We live in a lovely home; have met some wonderful people; my husband has a good job; our finances are stable. We have no outward needs. Yet, I want more.

I found myself mid-workout last week just sitting there on the bench with dumbbell in hand, thinking, "is this it, Lord?". Is this our life moving forward? We are not in need, yet here I sit in a fitness center where I am not completely comfortable. I seemed to do better in the run-down YMCA for some reason. I found myself sitting by the pool with our children looking around and thinking, "I am not like these ladies. Our kids are not like theirs"...and rather thankful for that given what makes us different. (At least on the outward, what you can learn from hearing a mother talk to her young kids kind of way.) I want more relationships than what this offers.

Our kids start preschool next week. I am not 100% thrilled with the program. We have them there because we know it will prepare them for the magnet school test they will  have to take before entering kindergarten. I do not have any confidence in the elementary school up the road, so I want to be sure they get into the magnet school. It is nowhere near our home and will be wholly inconvenient to have them there. I want better education for our children, not some "test and hope you get picked" education. 

We attend a nice church. It is a bit overwhelming for us because it is so large. Here we found you go with the denomination that feels the least like a denomination. Non-denominational churches are few here. We had to allow ourselves to settle knowing we will not find what we really seek in a church here. The teaching at this church, while rarely piercing, has indeed convicted us to make some changes to our lives. Our kids are being well fed there. There are ample mission opportunities. We are serving and tithing. Yet, our real gifts are still hidden because of its size. My heart hurts to know the Lord gave my husband an amazing voice that will more than likely not get used because worship is a production and the cast is already set. We are committed to our Lord no matter our place of worship. It is not a complaint, just a reality that we settled and that just does not seem good enough. I fear we could become lukewarm Christians and not even realize it.

We have been here nearly two years and my husband has not one friend. I have a few but they are slow relationships to build upon. (I am very thankful for those few!) It is difficult to feel like relationships are at an arms length. It is difficult to know that in a few weeks football season will begin and my husband will be stuck with just me to watch the game. We are not from here and we are not in the military so we fall into some odd social zone. I want friends for us.

I miss family being around the corner. We left my family to move to my husband's family initially. Those first few months were tough (tough!) as we all got to know each other. Getting to develop such a relationship with my mother-in-law, and our kids to build a foundation with their grandmother, was worth every tough day. Of course, I miss my side of the family. I sometimes feel like we are wasting time being in a place with no family. Our kids deserve to know their extended family more than the occasional visit and phone calls.

There are things the Lord has put on us that will be our mission no matter where He has us - adopt, pay off our debt, serve Him in any way He asks. We were guns-a-blazin' with adoption and then felt the Lord pause us.We are moving full steam ahead with our debt pay-off. He has blessed that path so far. We are doing what we can to serve Common Ground (it feels like we should be doing more, but until nap time is not needed, I am limited).

Maybe the Lord just wants us to focus on these things and let the rest fall as it may?

But still, I want more. More of what only God can provide.